Rutabaga NewsFlash
Business Leaders Celebrate New Release
Business leaders in Thor, Iowa, cut the ribbon last week on John Beckord's new CD release, Your Eyes. In his formal remarks to a crowd of almost 20 people, Chamber President Bob Forehead said they were motivated to celebrate the release because John Beckord once lived in a nearby community and they really don't have any other reason to cut ribbons in Thor.
Notified before the actual ceremony, Beckord sent his regrets about not being able to attend and offered to send the group one free copy of Your Eyes for the Thor Public Library. Mr. Forehead acknowledged the gift during his remarks and told the smiling crowd he had petitioned the Mayor to declare April 30th John Beckord Day in Thor. The celebrants then rushed into Marv's Tap on Main Street for 25 cent draws of Hamms beer.
Rutabaga NewsFlash
WalMart Announces New Clothing Line
WalMart announced yesterday they are changing their approach to merchandising clothing from being a low-cost immitator of current fashions to being a leader by creating entirely new fashion trends. WalMart's Vice President of Soft Goods, Mary Sue Skaggs, made the announcement at the company's Bentonville headquarters wearing an aquamarine polyknit dress with a chiffon smock covered with delicate, embroidered flowers. "I have decided it's time we dominate fashion trends like we dominate the plastic storage container market," she remarked. "Why shouldn't American consumers look to Arkansas for fashion trends? We know our stripes from our plads," she added.
To show off their new "Colorific" line of clothing, models donned everything from formal wear to sleepwear. Skaggs touted the line's bold colors and vividly expressive patterns. One gangly model wore an extrememly wide tie with mustard yellow stripes over a sh*t-brown background. To demonstrate the clothing line's innovative combination of fashion and utility, the tie has pouches for items like wetwipes, cigarettes, and extra bullets.
|
Rutabaga NewsFlash
Men See Virgin Mary Image In Chicken Wing
Brothers Dan and Stan Manleyman were surprised by what they saw on the feathered wing of a Babcock B-300 laying hen during a flocking inspection recently. "The image of the Virgin Mary on this chicken's wing was unmistakable," Stan Manleyman remarked. "It's much more realistic than the recently reported Virgin Mary image on a piece of toast that got so much attention," he added.
The men plan to build the chicken a velvet-lined, over-sized cage with a handcrafted, Italian-made porcelain watering dish. A poultry scientist on the faculty of Iowa State University has been hired to develop a dietary plan for the chicken that will optimize feather resiliency and ensure the bird is happy. "Stan and I take this chicken's health and happiness very seriously," Dan Manleyman said.
The public will have a chance to view the image on the chicken's wing as soon as the men finish spiffing up the back room of Rollie's Barbershop on Main Street where they plan to display the bird. An admission fee of 99 cents will help defray the costs of the display. "All we want is to make enough money to buy new hats and go to the National Poultry Convention in Kansas City next summer," remarked Stan Manleyman. "If we make more than that, we will donate the rest to the Lou Dobbs Recovery Support Group," he added.
Rutabaga NewsFlash
Man Sets World Record for Holding Mouth Open
Hanz Zumwinkle held his mouth open for 69 hours and 43 minutes to set a new world record for holding one's mouth open. Zumwinkle, a dental hygenist from Blueballs, Pennsylvania, said he has been practicing the art of open mouthing for several years. "I routinely demonstrate to my patients how I want them to open their mouths so I can extract the embedded crap from their teeth," Zumwinkle remarked. "It occurred to me one day that I really like to hold my mouth open so I decided to exploit my skill and get my name in a record book," he added.
Zumwinkle's accomplishment has spawned a series of open mouthing competitions at county fairs around the country. Zumwinkle has written a how-to manual titled Open Your Mouth and Keep It Open! with helpful hints to keep your mouth open for long periods of time. His suggestions include: use a perfume mister filled with water to keep the oral cavity hydrated; wear netting over your head to keep bugs from flying into your mouth; wear really absorbant, scented adult diapers; and stick needles in your fingertips when you feel like you might fall asleep.
|
